I am not a person who dwells on the past. In fact, I avoid it, because I believe that when you spend time thinking about what was, you lose the perspective of what is happening now, and waste great opportunities to project the future you want.
Yet, this year brought me more to the past than any other. I spent 12 months with too much time on my hands, overburdened by my own expectations and those of the people I love. I hoped, then I expected, then I waited, then I got frustrated, then I started doubting myself. That was the hardest thing to deal with, because if you don’t trust yourself, how do you make decisions?
I got anxious. Then overreacting. Then defensive. Then I cried. Finally, because there was nothing else to do, I faced myself. Took the time to think about what I wanted. Where I wanted to go. And figured that to have a clear image of the whole, I had to go back to my roots. So I started asking my family what memories they had of when I was a child. I guess I wanted to see if who I had been was still in who I am today, and if what I was would affect who I would become in the future.
Other than funny stories, I can’t say that I discovered anything earth-shattering. Maybe it doesn’t really matter how I behaved as a kid, because now everything is different. The past can’t do anything for me because I am living in the now, and it is in this right crucial second that I am creating my future.
As knowing about my past didn’t help me in my quest, I started exploring my present. What am I hoping for? What are my expectations? What am I so desperately waiting for?
So much. Boy, there’s so much that I hope, expect and wait for. So much I want. I couldn’t get to a single answer, which led me to an awful whirlwind of confusion and angst. In the middle of it, though, I realized something: in the process of trying to hon what I really wanted into a list, I inadvertently had crossed off all the things that I didn’t want and everything that I didn’t hope, expect or wait for.
I can’t claim I found myself. I didn’t. Not by a long shot. But after 12 months reflecting, you know what I learned? That I don’t have to have it figured out. I’m way too young for that, and way too inexperienced to make such huge decisions. It’s ok that I am lost. I know what I love and I have a pretty good idea of what to walk towards. I don’t need the details, not yet.
2015 had everything to be a quiet year for me, one where not much happened. But, oh, the things I lived! The places I went to! The people I met! This year was great. And I bet that 2016 will be ever better.
You might be wondering what, then, was this year all about. Why, my dear friend. Don’t you get it? This year was about epiphanies. About a thousand epiphanies. And one of them, one of the most important ones, is this beautiful blog that I cherish so much. So thank you.
Thank you for reading what I write, for liking it, for commenting about it. For enjoying such an important part of my being (my writing). For putting up with all the crazy stuff I decide to talk about. For supporting me. For being here through everything.
A whole new year is about to begin, and I have only one resolution on my list: to live in the now. The time to reminisce is done. I already spent 365 days thinking about the past. The next 365 will be about the present. The now.
Happy new year, dear reader. May you have, while living in the now, the best moments of your life.